Episode 3: I’m Agnostic… JK I’m Not!

Can you go through a second round of deconstruction without losing your faith completely? What if belief isn’t about being certain—it’s about choosing what kind of story you want to live?

In this episode, Zach reflects on the past several months of quietly rethinking everything—again. From a fresh wave of doubt to a growing sympathy with agnosticism, he talks honestly about what it’s like to feel unsure about everything… and still choose belief anyway.

Rather than defend faith or define God, Zach shares how belief has become less about answers and more about intentional trust. It’s not about being right. It’s about living like love, grace, and resurrection are real—even if you can’t prove it.

▶️ Listen to the Episode

🔑 Key Takeaways

• Certainty isn’t required for belief—honesty and trust are.

• Every worldview is a risk. Choosing belief is a choice rooted in hope.

• Resurrection, grace, and love are still worth betting your life on—even if you’re not sure.

• Faith isn’t about proving anything. It’s about becoming someone.

📚 Links & Resources

• Zach’s Book: Deconstruct with Jesus — Get it on Amazon

📄 Full Transcript

📄 Click here to read the full transcript

So welcome back to what I do believe, and first of all, yes, it has been a while. The last time I dropped an episode was in March, which depending on when you're listening to this, might feel like just a minute ago, or maybe it might feel like a really long time ago. So either way. Uh, thanks for sticking around.

I had to take some time off from podcasting, mostly to survive life and recenter on, uh, what the heck I actually care about. Uh, but good news. I am getting into a rhythm again. So if you are still subscribed, you'll be seeing a lot more episodes showing up in your feed soon. Um, and if this is your first time listening, welcome.

Thank you for being here. And, uh, hopefully there will be some more episodes coming soon. There are plans for more episodes coming soon, uh, with fewer five month gaps in between. So, all right. Let's talk, let's talk. I have been reflecting a lot lately, um, especially since the end of last year. I have kind of been going through another faith shift, maybe a second round of deconstruction.

Um, it's not been this big meltdown or this big dramatic thing. Um, it's been more slow, it's been more steady, uh, just kind of a under the surface, rethinking of a lot of things. Um, it was not something I was looking for. It's actually something I have been surprised that it has happened. And I just started to notice how many of the frameworks I've rebuilt, uh, weren't really holding up anymore.

Um, at least not in the same way. So, uh, it's just further evidence to what I've come to believe is true, which is that every time you think you are done or think you have arrived. Or that you have, uh, finished growing or learning, uh, you will just, uh, be proven incredibly wrong if you're open to that. Um, the only time that that cannot be true for you, where you're like, Nope, I'm done.

I've arrived, and nothing's gonna change, that I, that is just a conscious refusal to continue to learn and experience new things That is called stubbornness, and not in a good way. So, um, I try not to be stubborn. I try to be open-minded and that being the case, uh, yep. Prove myself wrong. There is always more to learn and grow and experience, and I've experienced some unexpected shifts in thinking really over the last couple months, and I've tried to think of some concise ways of summarizing this, especially for the sake of the podcast or for writing.

Um, and so the episode title I think will kind of give you a sense of a way I've come around doing that. And let me explain. So, uh, it surprised me the last couple months how much I've started sympathizing with agnosticism. So, so before you, uh, get too concerned, uh, I don't mean that I've adopted the label of an agnostic.

That doesn't mean I've stopped believing. Uh, it doesn't mean that I just don't know what to believe anymore. Um, it's not that. But what I mean by that is, uh, I have found myself saying I don't know a lot more, um, and meaning it. I found myself much less willing to be confident in ways of thinking about things, confident in certain viewpoints or certain positions on things. Um, definitely moving farther and farther away from certainty. I know in my book, which came out earlier this year, and for a long time, I've been saying, you gotta get away from certainty. And I still think that's true, but what I've experienced in the last couple months is that I was saying that and meaning it, but there were still certain categories or certain areas where that release of certainty had not made its way to.

And so that has kind of crossed over to some areas that have been uncomfortable and previously untouched. I'm even less certain now than I was four or five months ago. So a lot of times I find myself with a lot of different things saying, I just don't know.

But honestly, I think that's actually a good thing. Because the longer I sit with all of this, the more I realize, even more than I realized when I wrote it down in my book and published it, it's even more true now than it was then. I don't think belief and faith is about certainty.

It's not about certainty. Maybe it could be for you—I don't think so—but it's not my job to tell you about yourself. At the very least, I can say it's not about certainty for me.

...

I believe in all this stuff because I want to, because I choose to, and I've experienced the power of believing in these things. And you know what? I believe in all these things and yeah, maybe I'm wrong. Maybe none of it's true.

Me believing in this stuff does not mean I have to be certain that it's all true. I can sit here and say I believe in it and say, you know what? Maybe I'm wrong. And that’s fine. That’s okay.

Every belief system is a risk. Every worldview is a bet. And anybody who is certain that their way of viewing things is absolutely true—they’ve just gotten really good at convincing themselves of that by repeating their own opinions in an echo chamber and attacking opposing viewpoints.

Certainty, I’ve come to believe, doesn’t really exist. It's impossible. Certainty is an illusion. It’s the mask fear wears when it needs to feel safe and in control.

So I’m okay choosing to believe in things—even if they're wrong. Because if I'm going to be wrong, I’d rather be wrong in the direction of love than control. I'd rather be wrong believing mercy is too big than too small. I'd rather be wrong living like grace is real, even if it's not. I'd rather be wrong believing God is better than I thought—not worse.

That’s what faith looks like for me right now. Not certainty. Not even clarity all the time. Just choosing to believe—because I want to. Because I hope it’s true. Because it shapes me. Because it helps me become someone I actually want to be.

📍 So yeah, I guess I'm kind of like an agnostic... but actually not really. Because I’m willing to say: this is what I believe. Even if I don’t know for certain it’s true. It’s not airtight, and I’m not trying to convince you of anything.

But it’s what I believe because I’ve lived enough life to know what kind of story I want to live inside. And this—this is still that one.

So thank you for being here. It’s good to be back. More episodes soon. Probably not perfectly scheduled—I’m definitely still figuring things out. But you know what? That’s kind of the point.

So thank you for listening. And see you next time.